Sunday, August 5, 2012

Been Stuck In A Rut!

I know I haven't posted in a while, sorry for my lack of focus and today's post wont be about weight lose. Recently I been stuck in a rut of lives unexpected twists and turns and of course the evil and negative thoughts that come with it. Apart from from my self esteem issues I always take anything and everything that does not happen according to plan as a negative or sign of something bad to come. So then the endless dark voices in my head run wild and free. Me and my husband (future husband) had my engagement ring in layaway and almost paid off. We have been struggling and working hard to come up in this twisted world.

Recently we was presented with an opportunity to get a car from a friend of his dad's and he said we could just make payments each month. That was an answer to our prayers. We really need a good car and he said nothing was wrong with it but it sat for 2 years because he had another car. We looked at the car and feel in love with it. It is a 2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse and looked great. So we got the car and took it to a friends to get it looked at to make sure everything was good and get it inspected.

We was soon be crushed with a huge debt. Car repairs of 2100.00, because after a thorough inspection the timing belt and bunch of other stuff needed fixed and it failed inspection 2 times. Wow could things get any worse for us? Why is it when you work hard it seems life treats harsher and harsher. We are good people only trying to make our dreams come true and build our family. Well I ended up having to make a decision I didn't want to make but I had to think about us and what was most important. I gave up my ring.......

Yup, I canceled the layaway to get the money we paid on it to pay for this car. So of course when that happened my mind was swimming with negatives and little evil voices telling me this and that and the positive voice fighting back. Which one do I believe? and is my intuition clouded by my fears and insecurities? So obviously I started getting bad feelings about my relationship and thinking and fearing the worst. Then my dumb but did something stupid to even further my fears.

I was bored and feeling like I am going crazy because the thought of loosing my best friend and the love of my life to another women or what ever circumstance was just to painful to think about. So I decided to get psychic advice and found a free chat room. This psychic was pulling cards for people in the room. At that time she was doing cards for love. I waiting patiently for my turn and when she pulled my card she said "red flags, red flags be cautious. When I asked if my fears could be giving me the red flags she just said to "well....just be careful" After that I broke down and thought oh no my worst fear is going to come true because earlier that day I prayed to God and asked him to give me a sign.

I called my mom who just was recently brought back into my life (I was adopted and that's another story) to confide in her. My mother who raised me passed away 2 years ago and last year my sister found me, so it feels really good to have a mother to go to when feeling down. She told me not to listen that psychic and to let all my fears from the bad experiences in my past, GO. She said that this is what driving is driving this fear and don't play into it or it will destroy me and everything I want. She believes that the ring was a way for us to save money for this moment right now and that, that particular ring was not meant for me. Which is odd because the ring my husband wanted to buy (he wants to design the ring himself with the diamond cut the way he wants) was not in our price range so we went with a bit cheaper one that wasn't complicated to get like the other one he intended to buy me. Maybe she is right....should I believe my mom or take all this as a sign of bad things to come? I don't know I feel confused and scared and tend to get depressed easily.

I do look at it as we will have a good car that will last us for a long time because basically everything will be new and he said when we pay the car off we will put another ring in layaway. Even though all this has been going on for the last week I haven't deterred from my workout's. I also did a weight in yesterday and I am happy to announce the scale finally moved down 2 pounds. So I am glad I took my husband's advice, he was right after all.